Domestic Violence Legacy – In Servitude to Trauma

A recent study into the effects of domestic violence found that almost two-thirds of Australians have been abused, neglected, or exposed to domestic violence as children.

Of Australia’s current population of 26,374,949 (June 2023), we’re talking about more than 17.5 million children who have been subject to violence & abuse in this first world county we call home.

But having been affected or exposed during childhood doesn’t end the story, end the statistics & close the book on the subject. These (at least) 17.5million children, if they grow to adulthood, if they don’t succumb to substance abuse, depression, suicide or other trauma response behaviours which lead to early death, will grow into adults whose brains have been wired to a trauma response.
These adults will have a developed a neurological feedback loop playing withn their mind which trigger trauma responses that replay, no matter which way they turn. A traumatized brain is wired to replay trauma.
Exposure to domestic violence during a child's developmental stages creates a trauma legacy; an unwanted gift that keeps giving.

You can’t unhear your parent tell you that you’ve got no brains in your head & that you’re good for nothing. And you don’t ever stop hearing those words on repeat in your trauma wired mind.

You don’t ever stop hearing the feedback loop of your parent calling you diminishing names. And you don’t ever stop having a physical trauma response when you hear those same diminishing names words repeated in random conversation for the rest of your life.

You don’t ever stop replaying the words of your parent when they said that you’ll never amount to being any more than a prostitute that will eventually jump off a bridge. And your brain is wired to believe it.

Because your parents brought you into the world, they were your Gods & your caregivers. There was only them & you, with your siblings, in those dark & silent nights in suburbia.
The nights were silent because you were too frightened to make any noise to stir up any trouble.
Not a peep out of you & try not to move around too much, he might wake up.

Don’t change the TV channel, he might wake up.
Don’t turn the volume up, he might wake up.
Don’t shift in your seat on the beanbag, he might wake up.

At least the sound of snoring meant he wasn’t yelling.

Imagine in every waking moment, that every step you took through the house you took with a scared stomach because there were guns mounted on the loungeroom wall above the mantle & because at any moment you knew he might start to rage.

Imagine if the simple sound of a diesel engine coming up the driveway in the late afternoons sent your nervous system into flight mode.
Turn off the TV & run, pretend you were in your room the whole time.

“Your kids are so shy.”
“What’s wrong with you?"
"Has the cat got your tongue??”

No, we're too terrified to speak. We’ll only be shamed for it later. And he’ll blame Mum with his fists.

Just smile back, smile with your mouth closed. Yes shy, we must just be shy.

Imagine when you reach adulthood, I mean, full adulthood when you have kids of your own or live in a place of your own that’s far, far away, imagine that the abuse had never stopped.

Imagine still hearing those same words from your parent at age 28. Or age 38. Not just in the feedback loop in your mind, but verbally; verbatim. After all these years, they still find it withn their soul to project those words of violence onto you, their now grown-up, adult child.
Imagine still walking in fear & imagine trembling with every choice laid out in front of you because you've been wired to believe that you're stupid & incapable of making the simplest of decisions.

Imagine having to answer a ringing phone not knowing if today they’ll be pleasant or today is the day they’ll tell you how stupid & useless you are. Or how ugly you look. Or that everything you do is absolutely wrong & you’ve no brains in your head. And that your mother is a wh*re.

Imagine if one day, after another nervous breakdown you stop answering the phone. You cut them out of your life to save yourself; to save your mental health & your physical health all of which are an absolute cocktail of anxiety, depression & PTSD by this stage.
Imagine the day you decide to stop answering the phone to your parent; your flesh & blood. You just stop because you can’t take it anymore. To stop yourself from experiencing intense nausea & the flood of stress hormones that overtake you before you even answer the call.
Imagine getting to the point where you have to turn your back on your parent, just to save yourself & your family.

And then imagine the shunning & shaming you receive when someone says to you,

“But that’s your parent, forgive & forget, you never know how much longer they’ll be around… “

How long are we supposed to be in servitude to domestic violence?
Is there a timeframe we hadn’t abided by?

Imagine hearing tut-tut judgement from those around you,

“How can she be so hurtful to her own parent?”
“How can you do that, he’s your father?”
“Poor so & so, his own kids don’t even speak to him”
“What kind of terrible kids he must have if they don’t even visit him”

The toxic people around you that weren't around to endure the abuse will condition you to believe that the problem isn't the abuse, but is instead your reaction to the abuse.

Why does no one ever ask, what did he as their parent do to his flesh & blood to make them all not want to have anything to do with him?

Let’s normalize asking that instead & get out of the habit of telling people,
"That's still your mum, your dad or your sister."

Toxic is toxic. Abuse is abuse, at any age.

Dee

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Ref. https://www.abc.net.au/news/2023-04-03/major-child...