Pain Builds Walls - Unlearning Abuse from Domestic & Childhood Violence

For anyone who has grown up in an abusive environment, the effects of domestic violence & childhood abuse not only linger into adulthood, but also create an impenetrable barricade around oneself.

Childhood abuse shrouds an individual within a lifetime of secrets, secrets that you couldn’t share when you were a child because you weren’t allowed to talk about what went on at home. Those secrets continue into adulthood, you unknowingly become a closed off individual with walls around yourself higher than the sky above. You don’t intend to keep secrets or appear closed off, you just know that you don’t have the same childhood stories to share with the people around you. You have different stories, ones that make people uncomfortable. Your stories turn the tone of the day from a joyful & nostalgic car trip into a sombre tone. So, you don’t share.

“You never talk about yourself,” people might say.


What would you like me to share? The times I shut myself away & tried to withdraw into myself because I didn’t want to hear the sounds of domestic abuse? Or the amount of times someone described in descriptive detail how they would intentfully end my life?

Instead, you become a great listener. “Tell me more about you…”


And the more you find out about them, the more the barrier around you grows. The more they tell you about the opportunities they had growing up, the more you withdraw.

“You’re so quiet today.”

I’m not quiet, I just learned to lie low so as not to disturb murky waters. I’ve learned to become agreeable in order to pacify the giants. I’ve learnt to humble myself & move about as quiet as a mouse, so as not to awaken the sleeping dragon.

“No, I’m not quiet, I’m just relaxing.”


And so you bury yourself in a good book, so your quietness has a place to hide.

“Oh, you like reading? What are you reading?”

Mostly travel & adventure guides as they help me to daydream about all of the places I might run away to one day & start a brand new life in the hopes that the hurt me wouldn’t follow.

“Travel books mostly, I need travel inspo.”


The urge to run away never leaves you. Wherever you go, there you are. You can’t run from yourself. It’s easier to run from the world instead.

“Hey, we’re going out for drinks for my birthday this weekend, why don’t you come?”

Because I don’t like being around people when they’re drinking. I don’t like the sound of slurring words because it means you’ve lost control of your actions & reactions. I don’t want to be in an environment where people may be emotionally triggered & lose control. I’ve seen firsthand the damage a loss of control can do & any sign of it is my trigger.

“Thanks, but it’s just not my jam. Have a fun night, though.”

Instead, you’d much rather stay home. Solitude is your learned ‘safe space’. Home, where you lock the doors & no one can enter but you.

“Hey, let’s just stay in & watch a movie. Once Were Warriors is on, let’s watch it. It’s a great film.”


No. Turn it off, turn it off, I can’t watch that. Just turn it off. Turn it off.


“I’ve a headache, I might go & lie down. Enjoy the movie, though.”

You retreat again, withdraw again into the quiet, far enough so don’t hear Jake ‘the Muss’ in his fit of domestic brutality blaring through the tv.

I can’t watch that.

The walls aren’t high enough yet, so you build a moat around those walls. My ‘safe space’ is safer now, no one shall pass my unbreachable moat.

Your unbreachable moat can only hold you so far, it keeps others out but you are still inside. Your emotions are still inside, with you. Your wounds are still inside, of you. Wherever you go, there you are, remember?

Unlearn abuse so you can let people in. Unlearn abuse so that you stop bleeding on those that didn’t cut you. Unlearn abuse so that you stop assuming every person is going to cut you while you sleep. Unlearn abuse so that you don't see Jake 'the Muss' in the eyes of every man that ever tried to know you.

Unlearn the survival tactics that you learned throughout your childhood that have shaped that thing you call your personality, the person you learned to become based on how ‘they’ were. That is not who you are, it is who you learned to become.

Steps to healing:

Unwrap it – allow yourself to become aware of it.

• You can’t heal in the same environment you got sick.
• Time does not heal wounds of abuse; it only solidifies them.

Unravel it – allow yourself to re-process it.

• Healing takes time & conscious effort.
• Healing requires emotional purging.

Set yourself free – allow yourself to transform.

• Healing opens doors.
• Healing comes with a lot of goodbyes.
• Healing ultimately leads to transformation.

Dee

xx